I struggle basically all the time with self image and weight control. Not weight loss. That I’ve proven time and time again I can do. Weight control feels unattainable. I get to a point where I’m pretty happy with my weight. Then I just stop paying as close attention to what I’m shoveling into my gaping maw. I slowly watch the weight climb back up telling myself “it’s only 5 pounds, I can knock that off easy.” until I get to the day where I’m saying “fuck! 40 pounds!?? How did I let this happen?” Which is where we are right now.
I want to tell myself that this time is finally it. I’m finally done with yoyo dieting and fluctuating weight. I want to tell myself I’ll go to the gym every week forever and ever until it’s just part of the routine, but I know I won’t. I know I’m not that person. People keep telling me “one day at the gym is better than no days”, and while that logically makes sense one day at the gym doesn’t fix what I’ve done to myself over the last several months. One day at the gym doesn’t keep me from over eating.
There used to be a time when I would wake up and do yoga every morning before work. That time was before I got pregnant, before I had my kid, before I had so many excuses not to get up early. Now, I do okay with gym/workout routines for a few weeks or months, but as soon as something messes with that routine (holidays, special events, sickness, anything that throws it off course) I don’t bounce back. I just let the routine fall away until I get here again.
Here, 40 pounds heavier. Afraid to get on the scale. Afraid to look in the mirror naked. Afraid I’ll be fighting this, myself, weight forever.