An Introspective

I’ve had this entry written up for months. I wondered if I would ever feel comfortable enough to share it, and while I’m still not 100% comfortable sharing. I feel like it’s time.

One thing I heard a lot in high school/college: “You’re not a girl. You’re a Cassadi”, and while I got what they were meaning I always felt like a part of me was being ignored by people I considered to be friends. I wore baggy clothes to make my friends more comfortable around The Cassadi that was growing breasts. Thankfully they were still small enough this was possible. I never wore makeup or did anything to my hair. I wanted to belong to this group. I wanted to be “one of the guys”. The question is why?

Well, back then (I say back then like it was a million years ago) it was basically impossible to be a girl with gaming or technology hobbies without being ridiculed. I say back then knowing full well it’s still not particularly easy, but it is easier. I loved video games, Magic the Gathering, tabletop games (mostly White Wolf, I didn’t play a lot of D&D then), and I especially loved my computer classes. Also, so you get a full view of who I was in high school, I was in band and loved it. Let us not forget the insane amount of reading I did. I didn’t fit in with the other girls I went to school with, except for one, and though we don’t stay in touch I still think of her. I didn’t really feel like I belonged anywhere. I was always somewhere on the outside of everything. Even in the middle of a game with 3-4 other people I always felt like I didn’t belong.

IMG_20180617_112103I’m saying all of this now because even though we’re still struggling with diversity in gaming and how people that aren’t white or male are treated I feel better being who I am than I ever did then. I no longer feel like a piece of me is missing. I’m a whole person. I’m a lady (well, a woman, I’m not exceptionally lady like), I’m a gamer, I’m a reader, I’m a podcaster, I’m a technologist in the broadest sense of the term, I’m a mother. I am a girl. I am a Cassadi, and all of the things I’ve seen, felt, and done have added up to make me, well, me.

 

2 thoughts on “An Introspective”

  1. You’re not alone! I wasn’t even aware that boys might find me pretty, and my nerdy hobbies attractive, until I went to college (engineering school, because I’m a nerd, of course). Even then, some guys talked down to me because I couldn’t POSSIBLY share their interests, due to my biology. I must be pretending, of course, and they saw right through me. 😛

    I was blessed to meet a guy who liked me first as a friend, and then as more. He regularly praises me for being smarter than him (and nerdier in some areas of life) and isn’t threatened by me. We’re raising three nerdy kids, and I hope our daughter’s experience of growing up nerdy will be better than mine.

    Like

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